Suddenness of fate became all too real.
She was dead.
Withering mosaic leafs gave passage along
a thin gravel drive that weaved through
the very modest, simple Midwest cemetery.
Blinding flecks of fragmented memories
sprinkled down through autumn’s evanescent
foliage, evoking a time of so many years ago.
Pulling over, I sat quietly, surveying the mound
of dirt covering her nameless grave, while
my windshield wipers cleared away the tears.
Next to an old craggily-barked tree, moist black soil
contrasted the dense mist that clung onto the
lawn surrounding its newly unsettled tenant.
Suddenness of fate became all too real.
Yes, she was dead.
Summoning my nearly depleted strength,
I slowly exited the truck, walking toward her,
as a frigid mist turned in to a steady hard drizzle.
Kneeling in the mud beside her, overwhelming grief
mixed with rain, tears and a scattering of memories,
had created a slurry of milky iridescent emotions.
Submerged, my soaked flesh was drowning in every
shattered particle and fragmented fleck, where I
choked on each breath of chance that life took away.
Her voice, her laughter, her playfulness…, our daughter.
Demons too, had flickered in the backdrop of the many
memories of us. Our erratic, deep love harbored a
relentless, unmerciful beast of mortal addictions.
Her beast had died alongside her. Mine still existed.
Reminding me of His strength. Moreover, letting
me know how weak I was, and how weak I remained.
Suddenness of fate became all too real.
She was dead. Her Beast was dead.
Our warm and cold showers will forever rain down on me.
September 30th,2005 48yo
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